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Judge Foozle's Almanack
#1
JUDGE FOOZLE'S ALMANACK


Being ye annalf of an learned and honourable Englifh country fquire.

Monday
Maid failing to emerge timely following diverse raucous and lewd events on Sunday night, I to a late breakfast with strange preparation of abused eggs and excruciating tea potion made palatable by copious applications of sugar. Maid's wages docked, day off rescinded. To note: contact domestic agency for replacement. Young man of fair hair seen scampering behind garage block.
I with no sessions, to golf, footman having been readied. I to preparation and fortification with adequate gin. Maid failed to prepare sliced lemon. Note as above.
Noticed auto lamps not sparkling. To note: word with footman depending on outcome of 18 holes
and delicacy of Chablis.
Noticed garden hedges still not trimmed despite diverse supplications to gardener. To note: interview gardener, also to explain disgusting artefacts beneath hedges.
Morning 9 holes woeful. To note: take club president aside for word with green-keepers.
Club lunch of foul experience. Sent back for replacement with cold salad. Acceptable and distinctive Chablis, brandy obviously  non-vintage.
Afternoon 9 holes no better than AM, score of 11-over discomforting. To Foozle Towers in disagreeable humour. Noticed footman's hat skewiff. To deal with. Footman pulled R-R up beyond stop, with need to reverse. Duly noted, sloppy.
Assistant gardener reported absent with turbulence of the guts. At least third occasion this year. To note: discuss. Standards plummeted since thrashing outlawed.
Maid found hastily adjusting clothing, most untoward. Note as above. Strange  dark-haired young man scampering behind orangery. Mention to gardener.
Dinner satisfactory but unremarkable. Maid on phone most of evening. Rubbish on TV. Have word with Home Secretary ref damned licence. Man of Caribbean origin arr. ref maid. Bunch of flowers, obviously cheap. Enters by North Door at late hour.
Full Assizes list tomorrow. Gown, wig and regalia satisfactory. Noticed bedroom carpet not vacuumed. Maid situation becoming urgent. To note - order  Remy Martin. To bed in foul humour.

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#2
Tuesday

I to Assizes for diverse cases of miscreant criminality. Adequate fortification with gin. Noticed large Caribbean man walking awkwardly across moat bridge. No sign of maid, forced to prepare own breakfast. Most tiresome and vexing.
Footman polishing headlamps at last, assistant gardener loafing idly speaking on phone.
To Assizes in good time but delayed sitting to show authority.
Made historic judgment on point of law which will be cited as test-case and precedent. Satisfying more than a little. Lest posterity fails to record, h/w:
Red-faced youth (RFY) charged with urinating on public highway. Police evidence: RFYseen urinating through fence on to park, late at night. Usually £10 in Mag. Ct. but RFY pleaded Not Guilty, hence Assizes. RFY argued that because delivery was beyond fence, charge  wrong, ie urinating on park not highway, civil matter. Told the impudent upstart (RFY) the inescapable facts are that he was on the public highway and urinating, ipso facto  urinating on the public highway.  RFY protested that not all of him was on public highway, ergo not prima facie. Clerk of court advised that this  required measurement of  thickness of fence and medical examination. Stopped preposterous nonsense, found guilty, gave statutory right to speak. RFY: "...next time I'm round that way I'll jump over fence and piss back on to pavement and see what you make of that". Added £50 for contempt. Hope he can't pay - 14 days in pokey.
Rest of list dull and boring, lunch at Antonio's less than memorable. Standards plummeted after sending Antonio down for 3 months. To note: find new lunch venue.
On return  to Foozle Towers found gardener off with turb. of the guts. Nasty artefacts still remaining under bushes. No sign of asst. g.
Footman requested day off next month. Place is getting unruly. To note: consider management company to run castle estate. Moat needs cleaning before Summer Shooting Festival. To note: order supplies for  S Ssh. Fest. Call Prof. Dr. Sheridan ref prevalence of turb of the g. Tell domestic staff agency to extract finger ref new maid.
No dinner in preparation, instigated hunt for maid. Found busy with young man of Indian appearance. Dismissed and given one hour to leave castle. Damn generous if you ask me. Later, Oriental young man called ref maid, sent packing.
No sessions tomorrow.
Evening - rubbish on TV, repaired to study. Brahms CDs and new supply of Remy Martin to end day of great difficulty. I to bed with many considerations on mind.




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#3
Wednesday
Repair to study, with coffee and toast ref. no maid. To note: phone around ref. dinner invitations. I to reading notes ref "dogging" case at next Sessions on Friday. Fortnum & Mason delivery due. No damn maid to do honours, so I to sign. Vexing and degrading. 
To note: bully domestic agency ref. clean and disinfect maid's room and remove diverse disgusting materials and artefacts. Check ref. re-usable batteries. Recommend bedding is incinerated
Adequate fortification with gin ref. day ahead.
Footman reminds  about requested day off. World going mad. Made deal regarding Fort. & M. delivery as return favour. Excellent arrangement.
I to gardens ref. staff impudence. Asst. G. standing idly talking on phone G. still off with turb. of the g. To note: remind Sheridan ref. medical opinion. Main gardens sloppy, slopes to moat need mowing. Asst. G still talking on phone. Disgusting artefacts still under bushes.
Unwanted visit from vicar ref. "cup of tea". He to make damn tea himself. Bounder's trickery to make complaint ref. church notice board. Vicar applied poster:  If you're tired of sin, come in. Graffiti added: "If you're not, call 34761 and ask for Flossie". Damn hooligans. Advised ref. complaint to police. Damn vicar incapable of taking hints ref. termination of visit. I to bathroom ref. persuasive lacuna.
I finding no luck with dinner invitations, booked table at Farrier's Arms. Worthy collection of horse brasses, copper pots, leathers etc. Acceptable dinner but difference in comprehension ref. Béarnaise sauce. To wit -it is NOT salad cream diluted with vinegar. Impudent bounders. To note - enquire if horsewhip on wall is available for loan.
Rubbish on TV, forced to serve own Remy Martin. Place  going to dogs. I to bed with diverse problems to contemplate.



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#4
Thursday
Arr. temp. agency maid for few days. See why temp.vis. bundle of something tied in middle, face like bag of spanners. To note - don't take to zoo, will never get out (jest). Enough bags of kit for military exercise. Presented with  bill for taxi - bad start. Also asked ref. location of laptop connection. Bodes evil.
Footman to show Vera basics. Use a guest room until prev. maid's lair cleared and fumigated.
I to town ref. tailor, shoe merchant and travel agent. Price of shoes should be illegal. Footman mentioned R-R needs tyres. Droll juxtaposition. Bumped into farmer Payne. Mentioned rented bull to service  2 cows. Did white cow first, brown one brought close. Did white one again, damn bad luck.
I swiftly  back to Foozle Towers ref. temp. maid creature. Seems efficient. Sliced lemons ready for gin fortification, kitchen tidy but Vera arrogant and surly. Remedied  use of term "mate" for self. Impudent mare demands afternoons off between lunch and dinner. World gone mad.
Temp. maid's first lunch preparation adequate. At least can cook. To note  - check state of kitchen.
Repair to study ref. visit from solr. ref. Assizes tomorrow. No damn maid ref tea etc., had to cope - no peace ref. wicked. Golf club sec. rang ref. absence. No more until greens are playable and brandy improved.
Still no quote from contractors ref. maid's room. Shoddy.
Gardener back on duty. Asst. g. no show. G. ordered to put asst. g. on final warning. Reminded about disg. arts. under bushes. To note: remind Dr. Sheridan ref. turb. of  guts epidemic.
Vera dinner most palatable. "Own special gravy" (probably Bisto).  Old biddy seems to know ropes ref: kitchen. Most reassuring, compensates ref. appearance. Also handy with vacuum. Noticed wedding ring -  some hero's misfortune.
Rubbish on TV, Assizes regalia checked, Remy Martin ref. relaxing evng. after day of hectic activity - plebs don't know how easy they have it. Surprise visit from Vera ref. warm late-night drink. Strange idea. Vera contained in casual trousers - appearance vis. two small boys fighting in sacks. Brief discussion ref. breakfast. Reported caller ref. previous maid. sent packing. I to bed in good humour with some contentment ref. diverse matters.

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#5
Friday
I keenly to breakfast ref. temp. maid's culinary skills. Excellent platter of sm. salmon, perfect scramblies, capers and Greek dressing. Wonderful. And on time. Am warming to the Dreadful Apparition, est. as tall lying down as standing up. Footman also well-prepared, to Assizes with due punctuality, adequate fortification with gin. List of three cases. Dogging business most bizarre. Accused not only dogger but also doggee plus diverse spectators, having made payment. Easily resolved, all guilty. Sentencing deferred to take advice. Thence to serious motor, finally minor fraud Agreeable lunch in midst at hostelry, good Chablis but must educate ref. chilling.
Return to Foozle Towers with no Dread. App. ref afternoons off. More diverse callers ref. previous maid. Dr. Sheridan called ref. turb. of the g. Said frequent excuse for idle loafing. To note: interview garden staff on return. Sheridan mentioned vexing male patient needing sperm count, given sterile bottle, brought back empty. Expl. spent two hours with all his might, sought help from wife and policeman but still could not get top off bottle, so request ref. replacement.
Tickets arrived ref. travel agent, rest of day prep. for sojourn in Portugal and Brazil 6 weeks.
Discussed programme of castle works with footman, to oversee contractors and attempt ref. keeping council interference minimal. No sign of asst. g. - rumours of liaison with prev. maid, maybe gone AWOL. Disgusting items still beneath bushes.
Dread. App. produced excellent dinner, good choice of Volnay; knows her stuff (assuming "her" correct). To note: send for swim in Scottish Lochs  Nessie bound to give self up, mystery resolved.
I to final preparations ref packing for holiday. Tickets OK, footman briefed and will incorporate annual leave by end of vacance.
Rubbish on TV, Remy Martin eases end to satisfying day, I to bed much relaxed. Almanack to resume ref. return from much anticipated R & R (plus copious Madeira).
 
#6
Summer 2016


Monday - Trouble is these days is, no blighter has any dam respect. Self took cruise from Brazil - wanted me to dine at the captain's table. Dam impudence - pay all that money and eat with the staff, ridiculous. Most other johnnies seasick and complaints of theft every few minutes. Dry land welcome, diverse problems at domestic level.
Tuesday - Dam footman put in for Christmas leave. Dam impudence, must think it's liberty hall. Only domestic left of the previous lot of jokers - all agency johnnies now, not one who speaks the lingo. Note ref. agency complaint - please send cook who can produce something edible. Letter from council ref. proposed tourism campaign in area. Wants castle open to public. Stuff that for a lark.
Wednesday - To Assizes, short session ref. repeat offenders. Magistrates too dam wimpy these days. Gave a blighter 6 months for stealing penis pump from sex shop. Obviously hardened criminal. Gang of teenage johnnies tried to rob a petrol station. Idiots. CCTV cameras all over place and getaway driver used own car. No finesse these days. 12 months in pokey.
Dam Olympics messing everything up. Heard about Russian woman's amazing 500 meters record. Read them all in 4 hours - incredible.
Thursday - Vicar reports drop in numbers on Sundays. Silly bugger doesn't realise it's  summer and all  the plebs are on holiday. Didn't like my advice about putting on strippers and The Chippendales to bring the punters in. Idiot put "The End Is Nigh" on his notice board whilst planting rose bushes. Gives game away somewhat. Recall power cut that hit church in service. Everything dark until vicar's spotty offspring arr. with oil lamp. Case of father, son and methylated spirit.
Friday - Gardener reported finding asst. g. in "certain position" with kitchen maid behind shrubs near garages. Explains presence of disgusting artifacts under bushes. Makes change from blighter off work with turbulence of the guts. Seems like only johnny foreigner knows what work is these days. Gardener taken to diversions with electronic gadgets. Bad sign.
Surveyors arrived to look at south wall of castle. Looked and went home - no breach of contract. Will result in enormous report and massive invoice.
Saturday - Self to open garden fete and car boot sale in village. Keeps plebs off the streets. Called station sergeant to check for stolen goods and fakes. Can't be too careful these days. Latest case of Chablis most disappointing. Note: call wine merchant and kick his arse. Current Merlot vintage very palatable though. Note: check store ref. Napoleon and Bollinger.
Sunday - routine visit ref. church. Vicar right about numbers - more clergy than punters.
At least new maid won't be distracted from work - keep away from zoo ref. reports of escape. Even asst. g. not interested. Normally goes for anything that breathes. Footman reports noise from R-R, needs check. Another mountainous bill coming way of self.
Gardener reminded that annual Summer Shoot now imminent - means casual help to clear moat, erect marquee and ensure provisions.  Always a dam nuisance, but inescapable duty. Lower classes have no idea of the hardships of nobility.


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